[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
The internet is magic sometimes.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.