@Aikiwomannc

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

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@Branka_R

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

@Clanopath

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

@

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@SamGrittner

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

@jwoodham

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

@crashcampbell84

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*