Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

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My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…


My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”


He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.


You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..


ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:”I’ll be right back.”


Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.


Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.


My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.


My 5 stages of grief:
5. Are you gonna eat that?


Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*