[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
You Might Also Like
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Doug is just Canadian for dog
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.