My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.