@EmoPhilips My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
@XplodingUnicorn [loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
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@EmoPhilips 
@lisaxy424 Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
@tchrquotes SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
@Adyaces Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
@Bob_Janke A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
@Donna_McCoy If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
@eleniZarro Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
@texasstalkermom Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
@_davidlucas_ A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
@DurtMcHurtt An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.