“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
👾👾👾
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Wake me when AI does housework
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants