*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
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Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Well, that should do it
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
getting old is fun
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it