love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
🍞🦆
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once