Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
![]()
You Might Also Like
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me irl
![]()
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
three things we don’t talk about
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
![]()
![]()
![]()
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
![]()
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”