Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
You Might Also Like
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁