Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
hear me out : pockets for your socks
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.