@Contwixt

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

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@Wordesse

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@XplodingUnicorn

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

@KimmyMonte

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

@jakery

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

@ArfMeasures

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

@kirawontmiss

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

@donni

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

@MaxKrimeTV

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

@Rollinintheseat

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.