Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I mean…but I did
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.