Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Life cycle of cat
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”