@hadafewbeers

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

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@SharkJelly

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@hemjhaveri

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

@BastardProphet

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

@TheToddWilliams

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

@goldengateblond

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@ilovepie84

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

@causticbob

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

@rebrafsim

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!