Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
But I really needed water water water