Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.