Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.


In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.


wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something


I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed


Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.


My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.


NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.


If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.


THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.