love it when they get my name right
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*