@JustineStafford

love it when they get my name right

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@Marlebean

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

@robdelaney

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

@patnspankme

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

@CYComedy

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

@rickygervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.