[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.