“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Thanks to a fan for this one.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.