Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.