Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.