love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.