Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
You Might Also Like
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
New Tinder profile.
fourth time’s the charm
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Catering service
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?