@timdonakowski

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

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@SvnSxty

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

@HelmdawgE

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@capricecrane

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

@online_shawn

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

@adult_keverage

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

@impaulmccoy

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

@Stap_Jr

When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.

@StarWarsProblms

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*