Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
You Might Also Like
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
eggs benadryl
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone