Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
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“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.