love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
You Might Also Like
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
You know…for fall…
his wife is probably gonna see that
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?