love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
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Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
look scared
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?