Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
the three branches of government
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
birds and squirrels envy us
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.