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Punctuation Matters. Period.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they鈥檙e just always saying part of a thought
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you鈥檙e going to love this place. It鈥檚 All Ewe Can Eat.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
never deleting this app.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I hate when that happens.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I鈥檇 love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it鈥檚 like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I don鈥檛 mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave