Love thy neighbor’s dog
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I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Cat.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high