Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you