Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
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Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm