Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
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If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’M CRYINGGG
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee