Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Mistakes were made
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You are not alone 💚
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie