Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard