Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.