*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
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I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.