Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
only 11 steps left
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no