Lube but for my dry humor.
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I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”