Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
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Coworker: How鈥檚 your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Me: it鈥檚 hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it鈥檚 all run down and doesn鈥檛 have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Prince: I鈥檓 deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Now that鈥檚 a Halloween costume! 馃ぉ
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
This was my dad鈥檚 browser history.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I don鈥檛 have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog鈥檚 bladder.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
hey 馃檪 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
馃ぃ
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.