Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Good morning, Twitter x
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire