Lucky for them, they’re cute
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?