Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Ugh
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.