“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
This is my bus stop.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring