LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
PARKOUR
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.