@BobGolen Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
@noog Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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@BobGolen 
@garrydavenport The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
@robdelaney My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
@sacha_is_good “If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@abhorrent_wife There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
@TheCatWhisprer My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
@withanewname Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
@ohthatbadger “Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
@gigglegirlnoel Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
@STRIKINGxVIKING They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.