@XplodingUnicorn I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
@noog Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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@XplodingUnicorn @XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@JasonLastname I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
@JimmerThatisAll If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
@jlock17 Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
@amandapalmer 
@DarthPutinKGB Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
@LlamaInaTux [talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
@gingerbrigade1 My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
@STOTLE If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash