@noog

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

@DarthPutinKGB

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

@LlamaInaTux

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

@gingerbrigade1

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash