Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww