Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship