Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
23. the denim jacket
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End