Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
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If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.