Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.