luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Ok but actually