luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Nice try Hitler
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Meow?