[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
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I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
lol
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian