My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
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“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I missed you with all my darts
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.