Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.