LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

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My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.


“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.


diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.


My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet


[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything


ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!


[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]


Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.


Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx


In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.