@KalvinMacleod

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

@Steadi_lady

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

@Kauaibride

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

@caseyJsalengo

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@Ygrene

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

@maryfairybobrry

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@cookie_mumbles

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.