@KalvinMacleod

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

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@timdonakowski

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

@MeepisMurder

in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on

@1followernodad

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

@SondraDeeMe

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

@SafeWordTaken

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

@anerdonfire2

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@SnarkyMommy78

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

@Adyaces

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?