LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.


in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on


Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough


Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets


I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.


Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.


Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.


I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.


Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?