[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer